What's the one encryption Superman cannot break?

Crypto-nite

What's a bloodhound's favourite meal?

Kerberoast beef

Why does Justin Timberlake love the Network Time Protocol (NTP) so much?

Because it keeps your systems N Sync

What is an airport with bad cryptography called?

Plane text

What do hackers call a network of farting computers?

A butt-net

Why do developers struggle so much implementing OAuth?

Because it does not provide tokens of appreciation

Why are the Irish so good at asset management?

Because they label fast

What's the best place to buy computer viruses?

At the mallware

What happened to your files?

I dunno I guess they ran somewhere

Why would Darth Vader be such a bad database administrator?

Because he is terrible in sequels

What's an accountant's favorite response to an insult?

You suck too! (SOC 2)

If there are data subjects, why do we not have data verbs?

...

Where should you store your security event records?

In a logs cabin

How do security analysts break up their relationships?

They'll send you a RST packet

What type of Xmas cards do security analysts send?

nmap -sX -T

What can you tell a hacker that won't share his password cracking techniques?

Hash cats got your tongue

What is a security analyst's favourite breakfast?

WAFfles

Why would Billy Joel be a poor security analyst?

Because he didn't start the fire (wall)

What is a bookshelf for a security analyst?

Data at rest

How can you tell you're dating a security analyst?

Once things start to get serious you get a symmetric key

Why are security analysts so perplexed by birth certificates?

They don't have a public key

What do security analysts call their daughters?

LuCIA

Why do shipping companies hate security analysts?

Because their port scans find wide open containers

How long does it take for a security analyst to give birth?

No undue delay but shall not exceed 72 hours

How do security analysts call identical twins?

A hash collision

What's the difference between a security analyst and a dog?

One keeps sniffing all over the place, running after its tail, digging up in old places to drool over obscure findings. The other is a pet.

What is two dogs smelling each other's butts?

Mutual authentication

How do you call the locks on 221B Baker Street?

A detective access control

Why are InfoSec classes so boring?

Because they value high redundancy

Why do InfoSec folks only hang out with true pessimists?

Because they ignore false positives

Why do InfoSec people never sit in the central aisle on a plane?

Because they dread a man in the middle

What restaurant has InfoSec people all excited?

Taco-Bell-LaPadula

What is an InfoSec celibate?

Exclusive OR

What do you say when a security analyst extends his hand?

SYN-ACK

Why do all InfoSec specialists stop smoking?

Because they excel at patch management

Why do security analysts name their daughter Star?

Because they can ask a database to select *

How do security analysts clean their floors?

Ping sweeps

Why is Winnie the Pooh such a liability for InfoSec?

He keeps stealing the honey pots

I'm not late...

I'm doing a risk assessment

How many security analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

We have dual power supplies, UPS batteries, generators and a redundant hot site in every next city. Light bulbs DO NOT go out.

How do you call an InfoSec specialist with a background in psychology?

An insecurity analyst

What do you call a litigious lease contract?

In a rent risk (inherent risk)

What is the one medicine a security analyst would never take?

A SQL Injection

Why do security analysts frown upon dimly lit rooms?

They dread security through obscurity

How do security analysts break up online arguments?

Why Fight (WiFi)

What colour is a hacker's dining room table?

Rainbow

What is hackers' favourite video gameplay?

Open map (Nmap)

What's a hacker's favourite toy brand?

Fishers price

What's a hacker's favourite video game type?

Hack and dot dot slash

Why are cryptographers poor gardeners?

Because they require random seeds

What is a Céline Dion album stream called?

Data in emotion

Why does Lady Gaga not use Face ID?

Can't read her poker face

What is the result of a security analyst and statistician marriage?

Biometrics

What do you call a perfectly managed firewall?

Firewhole

What's the best quality for a TV show from InfoSec's perspective?

Integritty

How should you react when a security assessment is passed?

Applaudit

What should never be missing from your table when you meet a security analyst?

A salt

What should you do before creating an incident response plan?

Incident question plan

Why should you not hire security analysts in customer service?

Because they don't trust the client

Why are hackers renowned for their strong oblique muscles?

Because they do lateral movements

What is the security incident response favourite video game?

The SIEMs

What's the best job title for a security specialist?

Cybersecurity Information Architect (CIA)

Why are mummies the preferred spooky monster of InfoSec?

Because they are fully patched

Why don't security analysts have BFFs?

It's not a known acronym in the common body of knowledge

What is the favourite sushi of InfoSec?

Blowfish

What's a cryptography diet?

CaRC4

Why do they say InfoSec analysts are good at visiting caves?

Because they are good with spelunking (Splunking)

Who's the hackers' favourite Marvel character?

Tor

Why are hackers so impolite at the table?

They can't refrain from burping

How do you call a tribe of security analysts?

Infosect

Why do security analysts have so many children?

Because they dread Trojans

Why are hackers terrible guests at birthday parties?

Now they know your address and birthdate...

What's InfoSec's favourite car brand?

Toy OAuth a (Toyota)

Why do security analysts not go out naked?

Exposure factor must be minimized

What would happen if Discovery purchased the E-entertainment network?

E-discovery

What's the Kardashian's favourite encryption scheme?

Dee KIM (DKIM)

What's an angry security specialist?

CISSPissed

Why are hackers not stoners?

Because they pass the hash

Why are security analysts so poor?

Because there is no shift left

Who are the sworn enemies of hackers in the scientific community?

Entomologists, because hackers exploit bugs

Why are hackers terrible civil engineers?

Because they always build reverse tunnels

What is a rude gesture towards a hacker when organizing a party?

Inviting them with open doors

Why are hackers experts at telling the truth?

Because they always add OR 1=1 to every statement

Why are security analysts terrible for academia?

Because they want to take grants away

Why do security analysts always stomp on any mushrooms they see?

To prevent Smurf attacks

Where do hackers go on vacation?

On a phishing trip

Why do hackers live in placarded houses?

Because they keep breaking Windows

What do you call a team of laid-off security analysts?

Fired wall

When do pentesters shine the most?

At the hackinox

What do you call the training of an entry-level cybersecurity analyst?

Entryption